Skulduggery Pleasant Spoof: Dressing the Grotesquery
by ValkyrieCain4Ever
Summary: So I was re-reading 'Playing With Fire' and I noticed that when they went to go fight the Grotesquery that it had a robe on and I thought, 'man, I wonder what they had to go through to get that thing on so here is how Dusk and Sanguine got it to wear the robe.


**So I know this is ****_really _****overdue but this story is dedicated to my dad for Father's Day! The reason I didn't get it done was because I wanted it to be really good for him and stuff so, yeah. But I got it done and I am happy! XD Review please!**

"Okay Sanguine, I have to go out to get a few last minute items for the ceremony and I want you to dress the Grotesquery in this," Baron Vengeous gave Billy-Ray Sanguine what looked like a large black cloak that could fit a small elephant. "I'll see you in a few hours."

Sanguine took the cloak, pinching it between his thumb and forefinger. Then he smiled a crooked grin and said, "No problem boss."

Vengeous nodded. "Good," and walked away. Sanguine then turned around and looked at the Grotesquery, who was standing in the courtyard of Clearwater Hospital looking around, or sensing. Whatever it did.

Sanguine sighed as he walked over to the Grotesquery, holding the robe out like an offering. "Here put this on."

The Grotesquery turned its head and looked down at him.

The hit-man deluxe raised his eyebrows. "Come on take it, you don't want the Faceless ones to see you nude do you?"

The Grotesquery walked away.

Sanguine followed it. "Come on, put the robe on."

The Grotesquery stopped and looked at him.

"Maybe it doesn't know how to put the robe on."

Sanguine turned to see Dusk standing on the roof of the hospital with his arms crossed looking at him.

"You're right, that might be it."

"You should show it how to put it on."

"Erm," Sanguine looked at the robe curiously, not quite sure how to put it on. There didn't appear to be any arm holes so he finally settled on wrapping it over his shoulders. "See, it isn't so hard."

Dusk sighed. "You put it around its waist Tex."

"Oh."

Sanguine then wrapped the cloak around his waist and spread his arms apart. "See?"

And then the cloak fell off, taking his pants with them.

"Ha ha!" Dusk pointed at his power-puff girls' underwear.

"Shut it!" Sanguine grabbed his pants and hauled them back up.

Dusk's laughter only got louder as Sanguine tried to take a step to chase the Grotesquery, who had gotten bored with the Texan and had wandered to the other side of the yard, tripped over the robe that had become tangled around his feet. He landed on his face with a loud thump.

But a loud 'riiiippping' noise silenced both Dusk's laughter and Sanguine's curses. Sanguine began trying to free himself from the robe and Dusk raced over and grabbed it. He yanked it up hard enough to pull Sanguine off the ground for a moment, dropping him on his head.

"Ow." Then he looked at Dusk who was examining the cloak. "How bad is it?"

Dusk didn't respond so Sanguine clambered to his feet and looked over the vampire's shoulder. "Oh that's bad."

"What should we do?"

"I don't know."

The two continued to stare at the tear that was about a foot long. "We." Sanguine said finally. "Are dead."

"Well, you are. I'm already."

"Shut up, we need to find some way to fix it."

They went quiet again.

"What do we do to fix it?"

"Well, _you're _going to fix it."

"Why only me?"

"You're the one who ripped it."

"Yeah, but you and me are in this together so we have to DO everything together."

Dusk sighed. Out of everyone Vengeous could have chosen as an ally why did have to be Billy-Ray Sanguine?

"Fine. But YOU'RE going to be the one to stitch that thing back together."

"Sure- wait STITCH!?"

"Yes, you have to sew it back together."

"Oh dang…" Sanguine sighed and took the cloak from Dusk. He looked closely at the rip. "How do you sew?"

"I don't know. Google it."

"Okay." Sanguine checked his pockets. "Dang, I left my phone in the Jeep. Can I borrow yours?"

Dusk gave his phone.

Sanguine stared.

"What? Never seen a smart phone before?"

"No, but. How did you even _get_ this? This model isn't even _out _yet!"

Dusk shrugged. "I have connections."

Sanguine opened his mouth to say something else then closed it and took the phone.

A Few Minutes Later…

"I got it!"

"Well?" Dusk asked.

"It says here that we need a needle and thread."

"Where do we get a needle and thread?"

"No clue."

Dusk sighed and they went silent. The silence being broken by the Grotesquery bumping into the hospital.

"No buddy, your water's over there." Sanguine pointed at a giant pool that he and Dusk had set up for the Grotesquery to drink out of.

The Grotesquery moved over to the pool, paused then dunked its entire head in the water. There was a loud burbling noise as it drank.

"What about that store a few miles away?" Sanguine asked. "Maybe they have some."

"Possible."

"Better than nothing."

"You better go get the stuff then."

Sanguine scowled then went off to go get the stuff.

Twenty Minutes Later…

"I'm back!"

Dusk looked up down at Sanguine as he came back, two things in his hands. Dusk jumped down behind Sanguine. "You got it then?"

Sanguine shrieked and whipped around but relaxed when he saw that it was just Dusk. "Oh," he said. "Don't do that."

Dusk raised an eyebrow. "Don't do what?"

Sanguine opened his mouth then closed it. "Yes, I got the stuff, happy?"

"Needle and thread, just what I always wanted."

"You can do without the sarcasm."

"You use it all the time and you're telling me not too? You're such a hypocrite."

"Shut your face. I got the stuff now let's finish this job and put it on the Grotesquery before Vengeous gets back and sees what we've done."

"Fine."

It took them about a minute to get everything out of the packages then another two trying to figure out what they needed to do. After twenty minutes they managed to get the thread through the needle and Sanguine went to work trying to sew. But after a few minutes gave up. "This is stupid," he said. "I don't know how to sew. I mean really, what guy knows how to sew."

Dusk looked up from his phone. He had gotten bored and ended up texting back and forth with Vengeous. He apparently was caught up in traffic and was being delayed so he decided to see how things were going with the Grotesquery. Dusk had easily lied and said that everything was going fine. "Stop being such a girl," Dusk said. "And sew that thing back together."

Sanguine scowled and once again went back to sewing.

Five Minutes Later…

"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Sanguine chucked needle and thread away and crossed his arms like a two-year old who wasn't getting his way. "I can't sew."

Dusk looked up. He was now listening to music and it was so loud all he saw was Sanguine's mouth moving up and down He didn't say anything and let the Texan rant until he had calmed down. Dusk took out the ear buds. "Better?"

"Much."

Dusk looked at the robe and thought. "Hey," he said. "What if we glue it back together?"

Sanguine beamed. "That's a great idea Dusk! Why didn't I think of that?"

Dusk sighed and Sanguine left to get the glue. When he came back they took some paint brushes they found and began to paint the glue onto the fabric then stuck the ripped pieces together. After a few moments the glue dried and they began to once again attempt to put it on the Grotesquery.

"Come here buddy, we aren't going to hurt you." Sanguine said as he slowly approached the Grotesquery with the cloak.

Dusk stood on top of the hospital, knowing that this was going to end badly.

The Grotesquery looked at Sanguine with its head cocked. When Sanguine was close enough it reached down and flicked him.

Sanguine flew though the air and hit a tree.

Dusk laughed.

"Shut it vamp! You try it!" Sanguine yelled angrily from where he was clutching a branch, trying not to fall to the ground thirty feet below him.

Dusk sighed and walked over and picked up the cloak. He went up to the Grotesquery. "Come on, put this on and we won't bother you again."

The Grotesquery looked at him then leaned down. Dusk prepared to be flicked; instead it simply pushed him away. He turned to Sanguine who had his mouth hanging open in shock. "What the- what uh…. huh?"

Dusk shrugged. "I guess it just likes me better."

Sanguine clambered down, only falling twice and getting caught three times. Dusk waited until the Texan was standing next to him before speaking. "I guess the Grotesquery has the same point of view on you as me. We both think you're annoying."

Sanguine glowered then turned to the Grotesquery. "You think I'm annoying huh? Well I'll show you annoying!" The Grotesquery flicked him like a booger. Sanguine landed in the same place on the same tree.

Dusk snickered.

When Sanguine once again got down they devised a plan.

"Hey! Hey ugly!" Sanguine yelled waving his arms around. The Grotesquery looked at him. "You are so ugly, you'd make the Swedish feel bad about introducing mummification!"

Behind the Grotesquery, Dusk was sneaking up on it with the cloak. He face-palmed.

Sanguine didn't notice and continued mixing up history. Dusk knew he wasn't making it up. The Grotesquery seemed to be amused by Sanguine's ramblings and didn't do anything to stop him.

Right when Dusk was about to pounce and get the robe on it turned around, saw him and picked him up. It carried him over to the hospital then gently put him on roof.

Sanguine stared.

Dusk shrugged.

After another half hour they were at their wits end. Vengeous would be back within the hour and they still were no closer to getting the cloak on.

"Grr!" Sanguine said. "Stupid Grotesquery! Why can't you just put the stupid cloak on!?" He was having another melt down; this one had a lot more running around and jumping.

Dusk watched from his perch where the Grotesquery had left him and didn't say anything, knowing Sanguine would calm down eventually. But after another ten minutes he walked over and slapped him. "Get a grip Sanguine, Vengeous is coming back in forty minutes and we still haven't gotten that cloak on the Grotesquery."

Sanguine went quiet. "Okay, well what do you think we should do?"

Dusk and Sanguine snuck up on the Grotesquery, they were going to corner it and jump it. Sanguine was going behind and Dusk was in the front.

Dusk moved forward with the cloak and the Grotesquery began to back away to where Sanguine was waiting.

The Grotesquery continued to back away until it was right in front Sanguine. Then it did the unspeakable. It sat on him.

Dusk's eyes went huge.

The Grotesquery cocked its head, shifted a little then stood up.

Dusk's mouth dropped open. Sanguine was stuck to its butt.

The Grotesquery turned its head then reached back and peeled Sanguine off its butt and dropped him next to Dusk.

Dusk stared at Sanguine. "Um, are you okay?"

Sanguine slowly sat up. "That," he said. "Was disturbing." He got to his feet and brushed himself off. "So how are we going to do this?"

"I don't know," Dusk checked his phone. "Vengeous will be here in fifteen minutes. We got to think of something fast."

Silence.

"Do we have a really, really big sedative lying around somewhere?" Sanguine asked.

"Let's check."

There were none.

"I give up," Dusk said sitting down on the ground. "I don't care what my punishment is. Nothing the Baron can do to me can be worse than what I've been through today."

"It sat on me." Sanguine said sitting down next to him. "_Nothing_ is worse than that."

Dusk checked his phone. "Vengeous should be pulling in at any moment."

Just then the Jeep's familiar engine was heard as it approached the hospital.

The robe sat abandoned in the middle of the yard, dusty and covered in glue with a needle and thread sticking out of it.

The Grotesquery hobbled over to it, cocked its head and picked it up. It examined the cloak for a moment then put it on.

Just as Vengeous entered the courtyard.

He looked over at Dusk and Sanguine and saw them with their mouths hanging open and their eyes wide and staring at the Grotesquery in disbelief. They appeared to be in shock.

"Yeah but- how did? Wha?" Sanguine pointed at the Grotesquery. "How, wha gabba huh?"

Vengeous watched as Sanguine stumbled to his feet and began waving his arms around, still speaking gibberish. The Baron looked at Dusk and raised an eyebrow. "What happened?"

Dusk just shook his head and stood up. "I'm never speaking of this day again," he said as he walked by.

Vengeous watched Dusk walk away then turned and saw Sanguine collapse to his knees, make a weird squeaky noise and fall on his face.

Vengeous just shook his head and walked away. 'Wonder what's up with them.'


End file.
